btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize