YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
