hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
