u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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