when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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