i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
