I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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