guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
