Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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