I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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