I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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