so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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