I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
