What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
