no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize