I think I died a long time ago.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
