I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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