The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
