how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
