fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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