But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
