I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
