you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
