If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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