Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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