my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
now i know why i became what i already was.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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