I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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