Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize