if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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