Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
