How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize