I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
