there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize