Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
