She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Iām photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
