I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
