Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
