I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
