The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You pole danced in your parka.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
