if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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