Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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