just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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