Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
...so i touched it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We had sex on a dog bed..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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