I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
