i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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