Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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