If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize