As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
