a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
