I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
