just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize