I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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