why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
