I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
