I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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