The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
