Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
