If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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