Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He passed out mid-signature
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
