I hate your face
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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